Tuesday, December 06, 2011

The Internet Fan

The first chapter of Kyle Idleman's Not a Fan is titled D.T.R. for "define the relationship". Makes sense. Like a good technical paper, we want to define terms up front. And since the focus of this book is our relationship with Jesus it is best to define where we're at right from the start.

Are you a follower or a fan? Yes, it's that simple. Are you in the heat of the game or are you in the stands cheering?

It may not be an obvious difference, but the difference is huge. You might say, eternal. Of course the instinct is to answer with an emphatic "follower!" That's how I would have answered the first 24 years of my life. (at least once I was old enough to speak) But once challenged to look back at the choices I made and the priorities of my life weighed against God's own Word, I saw that I was just a fan.

Eleven year later, by no means do I consider myself to be perfect. Today I'm still tempted to be just a fan. It's easier to sit in the stands and play Monday morning quarterback on internet forums. (sitting faceless behind a computer screen and writing this blog without ever actually doing anything) Being in the game is hard. It risks injury. It risks defeat.

Like I said, easier to be an internet know-it-all. This reminds me of a Bud Light "Real Men of Genius". (Don't know if this ever was an actual add, but it circulated on sports forums and fits perfectly to this discussion. Though the version I remember had a verse about criticizing athletes for their performance though you've never once played the game, you still get the gist.) Read this and ask yourself again if this could describe you.

Bud Light presents...Real Men of Genius

"Reeeeal Men of Geeeeniuuuus..."

Today we salute YOU, Mr. Really Mad Internet Sports Fan

"Mr. Really Mad Internet Spo-orts Fan!"

Only YOU can fully appreciate the mind-blowing tragedy of a bunch of 18-22 year old athletes you'll never meet, losing a game.

"Don't you TAAAAALK to me about perspective!!"

While others are too preoccupied with things like real life, you take your anger directly to the place where it will make the absolute least possible impact: An Internet discussion forum.

"Loggin' on now!"

Your unique eye for logic allows you to sling turds of doom every which way, and then brag about how you were RIGHT as soon as one of the pieces sticks to the wall regardless of how many dozens fell limply to the floor before that.

"See I told yooooooooou!!"

And if some idiot newspaper columnist has the gall to not be as incensed as you are, you unleash your fury down upon him with all the tenacity and mercilessness of a rabid pit bull with a tender buttock locked in its jaws.

"Total anonymity!"

So keep clicking away, oh Marauder of the Mousepad. Because when the results you so desire finally come about years from now, you can say it was because YOU demanded it.

"How come they haven't fired that clown, yet? Mr. Really Mad Internet Spooorts Fan"

Anheuser-Busch St. Louis, Missouri...


Let's try a not-so-creative rewrite:

Water to Wine presents, Real Fans of Jesus

Real Faans of Jeesuuuuus!

Today we salute YOU, Christian blogger!

Here's to youuu, Christian blog er!

You had an emotional response at a Christian rock concert and now you want everyone to know!

I went to this concert and all I got was saved... and this t-shirt... and this Jesus fish for my car... and this NOTW sticker...

You read a best seller and want everyone to live a Crazy Radical Wild life in devotion to Christ.

You're preaching to the choir!

But don't dare disagree with your doctrine or you'll release the fury of a thousand Twitter followers.

Farewell Rob Bell!

And don't expect you to practice what you preach. You're too busy reading everyone else's blogs, following your Twitter stream, and updating your Facebook account to actually step outside and live like Jesus.

Follow my tweets as I follow the tweets of Christ!

So keep pecking away at your keyboard, Christian blogger, calling out every moral slight. Because since you know Jesus, you also know you're right and everyone else therefore is wrong.

Do as I say, not as I do because I'm a Christian blogger!

Water to Wine, Jerusalem


Peter P said...

Great stuff, Frank!

Fatha Frank said...

Peter have you checked out the book? So far so good. Hope you keep up with me as I go through it.